creative writing..

‘The landscape of one’s past influences who we are today.’

June 7, 1991

Today, as I was forced to visit the Mary-Lynn pier, a fact that became painstakingly evident to me as my feet pressed on the moist wooden slats, was that I would never again enter that vast range of water that stretched out to the horizon before me.The vast array of dark waters, so close to my once ‘comfort zone’ previously held the many memories of the naïve invulnerabilities that I possessed as a youthful innocence, whose mere reason for living was to play in this natural place of once momentary bliss.I can clearly state that it is not due to any physical inabilities that I am unable to enter this premises, rather, it is due to the fact that my psychological threshold shall forbid me any contact with the likes of water for the future as far as I can see it.For heavens, even the sprinkler shall remind me of the wretched horror that these particles of water combined have done to destruct my world, the torment they have caused in the separation of the very ‘particles’ which previously fused together to form my life. It is but these particles that I can blame for having, without warning, removed the beings which formed my spirit’s willingness to contribute to this world, forever.
June 13, 1991
Today, once again someone asked me why it is that I do not speak. I find it incredulous that they should ask when, to me, it is so blatantly obvious that it is because I do not wish to speak. I would much rather mimic the desolate silence that is present at the still nights’ waters, as it more precisely reflects the numb, motionless, empty feelings that I possess, than any words that could possibly be produced from my mouth. Besides, what is the use in words? They are meaningless to me, for no one relying on the English language could possibly pretend to relate to the emotions which are imbedded in me. Nor could they begin to understand the imbalanced thoughts that my afflicted mind contains. I see no use in talking about something that cannot be reversed nor defined to me and quite frankly there is nothing else that I wish to speak of.
July 27, 1991
Not a single day passes without my mind pondering the happenings of that one day, with today- my 19th birthday- being no exception. The details in my memory of that day are faint - the only thing, as I see it, that I should be thankful for. One thing that has stayed with me however is the joyous atmosphere that we shared as a family that morning that God chose to target me as his guinea pig of fate. Within distance of those same waters which torment my life, excitement rose as my mother gallantly piggy backed me beside the shore line, with my father beaming as he reached across and grabbed me, pinning me down to the warm granulate sand and bombarding me with a tickling frenzy. The thing I remember most clearly is the immense amazement that I beheld in the moment that my loving parents presented to me their new glorious treasure; their brand new boat. And on the side of its body, in delicate formal print, was my name; Amy-Louise. I remember being in awe and the infinite pride that swelled inside of me, a memory which now sickens me and brings a pit to my very stomach for having ever admired such a wretched and detestable entity.
July 31, 1991
Today I shall more or less write in brief. Nothing can bring my parents back. Not words, not prayers (though I do not waste my time on the immorality of such worthless faith) nor any grudges which restrain in my heart. But I will reinforce this one fact; that I shall never re-enter these waters which betrayed me so wholly and unnecessarily again. I will go on as I am today, self contained and broken as ever. No glue has the ability to fix this mess.So Aunty Heather, I beg that you please stop trying.

476

I think it would be fair to say that i have started thinking a whole lot more since i started catching the bus.

Being someone who has always been comforted by silence i find having the time to sit everyday for 15minutes or so, and just let my mind wander to any place away from the realities of everyday life, so satisfying. I find it incredible how far your imagination can take you when you take the time to trail from reality once in a while and explore your own thoughts and concepts.


There is much to be learnt from the things that the external world cannot teach.


When you find your centre i think it becomes far easier to interpret and make sense of the outside world, and life begins to gain a whole new aura of meaning for you to ponder.

Sometimes i can't restrain my imagination and my focus is drawn from supposedly important tasks to matters and questions of its own. This can often lead to the accusation of me being deemed a time waster. However i firmly object to this assumption, as i don't see my time as being wasted at all. I see it as otherwise being explored and attended to.

Now in saying this, i don't mean that instead of studying i choose to sit and ponder my plans for the upcoming weekend. My thoughts don't trail to entirely unimportant matters, rather they trail to a sanctuary of other thoughts, such as attempting to visualise other aspects of why what i'm learning is important, or whether i even consider it relevant in todays modern society and how i would enforce and teach the things i find missing in the schools education system etc... anyway this is sort of steering from the specific blog i intended on posting - just another example of how frequently my thoughts deter lol- so i'm going to just continue with what it was i was initially saying...

The way that i see it is - if you get caught up in life and just follow one task that leads to the next and the next and the next, with a whole lot of routine but not a lot of your own input and thought, you wind up lost and confused. When this happens you are ultimately just following a trail which someone else has put in place for you and are automatically accepting because, well, it's 'simple', it's 'safe'. But with this 'safe' trail, while you may make it to end, chances are you will stand there at the end of the route, wishing that you could walk back and start again.
Whereas if you set aside life once in a while to leave room for your self and your own collation of thoughts, gathering more and more as you create your own path, it keeps you balanced and you are able to live a life which is solely created by yourself and never dominated by rules or boredom.
As is commonly said; "Life is what you make of it"
So i say, take risks and make decisions based on your own inhibitions and desires, rather than following trails which others attempt to lay out for you.
When you come to the end of your route, there is no going back, so take all the risks and explore all options along the way, because a straight path - while it may be deemed "successful"- only leaves room for regret and that empty feeling of "what if..."

To describe love as being an undeniable force which leaves you helplessly and –in ways- pathetically in the control of another who has a hold over you that you can no longer escape. The stage beyond that humorous lust, which has now evolved into an eccentric desire and craving for his presence as well as a longing for his touch. It involves the unsustainable power or jealousy toward those who come near to him or were ever in your place before you and close to him. There is an egocentric NEED for you to be his only desire and novel in life; the meaning of his existence. It is in his hold that you are able to feel the 100% security and warmth and decide that it is the only place that you would want to be for the rest of eternity. Love can change, and in cases disappear, but it is at this time when love takes its strong hold that your mind can fathom nothing other, and your heart –in its entirety- wants only to be with him, and nothing less. It is merely human nature to fall in love, and love which gives us meaning and desire for the next day and the next.
To see him and share the thrill excitement of LIFE.

"love gives someone the power to break you..and i'd been broken beyond repair"

Bella (New Moon)

Whether a boy takes your heart or breaks it, it is an experience that is valuable.Love can be over rated, but at times it's not. So never regret anything because at the time, you wanted it & anything that ever made you smile WAS worth it (:

To Be Five Again...

When is it that we lose our childhood ideals and fantasies? When is it that the mind frame which relates the world to one big playground of opportunity, with anything in our imaginations being possible, is lost? When is it that the thought enters our heads that our dreams are unattainable and should be pushed to the side or the back of our mind? Why do we allow so many of our aspirations to decline, simply because of the fear we hold that there is a possibility our attempts to fulfil them may fail? Dreams should not be just set aside nor should our imaginations be tamed. We should aim to reach higher than ever thought logically possible, because where you will land will be more surreal than any reality you ever believed in! Imagination and expression is what keeps this world alive and changing, so don’t lock it up, set it free and be that person that you wanted to be when you were 5.

When i was five? Among many inventive options which i had concocted for a career path, i wanted to become a writer. I then forgot about that idea for a while, busy with other things, but now i think i may just revisit it.